DUNG
STICKER COMES HOME
John Andrew
Orther |
August
20 , 2007 |
............from an A.P.
wire...Amy Hecklearning reporting from Swiss Capitol
Administration Bldg. 082004...00:09:14)
..........................
The renowned Edgarball Taradactile
Dung Sticker is safe and sound back in the Vanderbilt Art
Gallery just outside of Carson City, Vermont. Authorities with
the FBI told this reporter that the large, prehistoric Sticker
was located three feet from a white utility van in a parking
garage located in a downtown region of Dover, Mass. There was a
five foot by 3 foot gaping hole in the top of the van. And
surrounding the van were thousands of square feet of various
colored unrolled carpet. Lying dazed on the cold concrete floor
of the garage, in the fetal position, were two Caucasian men in
their early 40's.
Puzzled police officials questioned one of the men, Abel
Wrendelfision. The other man Endicot Sasperion was incoherent.
Mr. Wrendelfision was cooperative with the FBI and confessed,
in detail, to the whole bizarre story. Here are the facts as I
understand them:
In a daring, daylight Burglary the two men entered the
Vanderbilt Museum dressed as Furniture movers , located the
Edgarball Sticker, wrapped it in brown paper and casually walked
out of the gallery carrying the 180 pound artifact. A
security guard at the Museum even nodded his head at them as they passed
by. The smiling thieves reached their stolen 1986 Ford Utility
Van and, remembering that the van was packed full of carpet
rolls, peeled the paper from the huge Sticker and hoisted it
onto the top of the van. They placed it dung side down in hopes
that the sticky substance would keep it from falling off as they
drove.
The two men drove South on I-16 to Dover, to Endicot's home and
hurriedly parked the van in his garage. They spent the next 45
minutes with crow bars and pick axes trying to remove the Dung
Sticker from the roof of the van. With no luck, they drove to
Quigley's Hardware on 4th and Kemper in Dover and purchased an
entire acetylene blow torch set up.
After strapping the tanks to the top of the Edgarball Sticker
they proceeded West on 4th Street headed back to Endicot's
garage. After driving a couple blocks they saw, coming in the
opposite direction, a Dover Police Vehicle. Wrendelfision, at
the wheel, panicked and pulled into the 4th and MacIntosh Street
Parking Garage. The roof of the van cleared the overhead by
just three quarters of an inch. The van headed for the top of
the garage but when they reached the seventh floor and saw that
it was nearly vacant they parked in an out of the way location.
The Police Officer had noticed nothing.
Wrendelfision instructed Endicot to clear out all of the carpet
during which time he would cut the Sticker loose.
Wrendelfision was a bit confused about the events that followed
so I have pieced together what I believe must have happened.
Endicot must have understood Wrendelfision to say, "remove the
carpet rolls and unroll them on the parking garage floor" cause
that's exactly what Endicot did. As timing would have it,
Endicot was inside the van attempting to remove the final roll
of carpet when he looked up to see one half of the van's ceiling
coming right at him. Bear in mind that the acetylene tanks and
Wrendelfision himself were standing directly in the middle of
the Edgarball Dung Sticker. The now 710 pound load came
crashing down on Endicot spewing him out of the opened side door
of the van and head first into a parked Cavalier some thirteen
feet away. Wrendelfision, stunned and hurt, sat down on the
running board of that opened door, bent over with his hands
covering his eyes and shaking his head. He seemed almost
comforted by the lack of noise except for some low keyed moaning
coming from across the garage. Wrendelfision snapped his head
up when he heard a slight cracking and clicking from behind him
and looking back in terror saw the whole 250 pound acetylene set
up coming right at him.
50 minutes later Abel Wrendelfision mustered enough strength to
reach for his smashed, but still working, cell phone. Abel
dialed 911.
Next time: The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire and how one
tiny
Label might have caused both.
okay thanks
|
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