WHA...? That's not right! This crap has got to sto....ahhhhhh forget it.   Anyways, hi guys, how are ya today?  I'm John O and I welcome you to the StickerNewz Report for this 25th day of March, 2005.  Today I want to look at the drawbacks of creating your own Pressure Sensitive Labels.   We've all heard the saying, "Don't Try This At Home".  Well that cliché surely applies to the making of Pressure Sensitive Labels.  Let me give you an illustration.

It seems that there was a young man, we'll refer to him as.....oh ..uh..

Tom Phanderphatz.  Now Tom was not your average, run-a-the-mill common sense having individual.  Let me put it this way:  If Tom's head was one of the Alps the peak would be at sea level.  Or, let me put it another way:  If Tom's brain was all the lights at Yankee Stadium they would have to postpone the day game due to extreme darkness.  Let me try this:  If Tom's intelligence was a Sperm Whale you could keep it in your living room aquarium.   Ok, if you don't get it by now I really can't be coming up with analogy after analogy to describe Tom's mental capabilities.  Alright, one more:  If our Solar System were to depend upon Tom's smartness in order to stay in motion the Universe would be short one Galaxy and we would all be aliens in Andromeda.  There are simply no words to explain the denseness of Tommy. But he is a fictitious character that I am making up for this illustration.  I would in no way be referring to the real Tom Phanderphatz.  Oh, hell no. 

Sowz anyways, this idiot named Tom is at home one day watching the Military Channel and he decides to make his own Pressure Sensitive Labels.  Now Tommy doesn't really know what a pressure sensitive label is;  he's just going by the title.  He thinks, "Hummm....pressure, that means 'pressure'.   Ok, sensitive means when my mommy used to call me a jackass.   And Label, that's what's on the Ketchup bottle".   

So Tom proceeds from those thoughts.  He rounds up some key ingredients for the project.   First, he goes in the basement and gets an envelope containing important documents dealing with his dad's WWII medals and citations.  "Hmmmmmm...these otta make good labels", Tom thinks.  "I like the pretty stars and this Eisenhower guy's signature on everything.   I'll cut them up to fit on the ketchup bottle".  At this point Tom is acting fairly status quo to his normal activities.  Tom then goes out in the garage and removes the starter from his wife's mini-van.   If anyone is now thinking, "Oh MY God!", I can relate.  Finally Tom goes up in the attic and gets a 10 year old issue of Playboy.  The magazine has nothing to do with the pressure sensitive label creation.    We'll continue right after the following messages.

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Huh?? That's....HUH????....

Welcome back to the StickerNewz Report.   Amy Hecklearnian is joining me in the studio today as we continue our study of at home pressure sensitive label creation. "What do you think so far Amy"?...

"Well John, if bullets weren't so expensive somebody would have shot Tommy by now"

"Exactly".

Now that Tom has all the "correct" equipment to make his labels he begins to work.  First he takes the Elmer's Glue and applies it to the front of the cut up documents on the kitchen counter.  He then takes the starter and begins to slam it into the glued side of the documents.  The counter explodes into many pieces and the, now ruined, documents stick to the starter.  Tom then puts the starter back in the mini-van and starts the engine thinking that the heat from the engine will cause the documents to adhere to the starter.  He accidentally bumps the stick shift into reverse and the van crashes thru the garage door and travels fast across the street into the Maynerd's living room.  Tom then opens the hood, removes the starter again and takes it back to his kitchen.   He pries the papers loose from the starter and, using a jackhammer, applies the still hot, nasty documents to a full bottle of ketchup.