Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "What a jackass!"  But wait just a minute. Let's not be too hasty.  Sure, I might be a Jackass but I'm a Jackass that hasn't ever had anything published.  I think that pretty much sums it up,  thank you.

I started out as a professional printer in the early 70's.  While working as an apprentice printer I learned the trade from some of the most ingenious experts in the field.  There was "Porky" Malone who assisted me in the invention of the Hydraulic Ink Stabilizer which made it possible for a print technician to use only one hand instead of both in achieving a Three-strip Technicolor Recto-Reamable Enhancement.   With this invention Fluorescent Stock could be used by the general public at a fraction of the cost.  Then there was ole Candice Tilly.  She was instrumental in my decision to create a format in the Palo-Transmutant Sequential Optimizer.  This innovation took Clear Stock Reproductions to new heights in the area of quality.   Finally,  Laminated, Tamperproof Adhesive Labels that would not fall apart.  Universal Studios in Los Angeles picked up on this and now utilizes it in nearly every Animated Movie. 

After 17 years in printing I was offered my current position as Senior Writer here in the StickerNewz Room.  The only reason I took this job is cause it meant that I wouldn't have to write anything and my time could be totally freed up to perfect my writing skills.   In my office there is a Motorola 78 inch Flat screen TV.   The only channel I ever watch is Oxygen TV.   Oxygen has a daily, two hour program called, "WOMEN WHO SMOKE AND THEIR TALES".   Now the format of this show is of interest.  Two hundred and fifty women with an average age of 67 sit in a theater-in-the-round type studio and discuss life as it should be.   All 250 are avid chain smokers.   Ninety Eight per cent of them smoke Pall Mall non-filters.  They make Marge Schott look like a 16 year old virgin who teaches Sunday School.  You might be asking, "Why a show about old women who smoke Pall Malls?"  That's not the point!  "What is the point?", you ask.   I'll tell you what the point is.  The point is that, since they are older and wiser and take this horrific risk of death every day, they might have something to say to the younger viewers.   I recommend that the kids even watch.  Record it on TIVO and let them see it after school.  The first 15 minutes of the show is called "The Hacking Segment" where they cough, snort and hack up pieces of lung and enormous amounts of flem.   Each member has her own personal spittoon.  Then, for nearly an hour and a half these ladies discuss anything from politics to religion and Stickers and Labels.  I neglected to tell you that each of the 250 women were Sticker and Label employees during their working careers.   At least one member dies per show.  This is called the "Reap what you Sow" segment.  Forty seconds of silence is observed after the passing.  The word "silence" here is used very loosely.  But the hacking and spewing takes on a life of its own;  a sort of symphony in the round, you might say.

MY SPARE TIME
About three times each week Tom Phanderphatz and I go "out on a story".   One of our favorite hangouts is the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park.   At the zoo Tom and I drink Jose Quervo and throw crap at the elephants.   It was during one of these "interviews" last year that we met Theodoris Spiralfagg.   She was a 72 year old employee at the zoo.  Her job was shoveling up elephant dung.   Theo told us that about twice a month she would discover a Tequila bottle down deep in a 94 pound pile of elephant shit.   Tom and I simultaneously replied.... ..."Hummmmm....that's weird". She said that she didn't think much of it but was a little concerned about Jumbo's eating habits.

But it was Theo's life prior to her zoo job that interested us.   She taught Printing at The Academy of Journalism and Reproductive Literature in Glen Oaks, Nebraska.   Her field of expertise was how to create better Stickers for Shipping Boxes, Warning labels, Car Security labels and Store Front Static Cling Labels.  We acted like we didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

TOM'S LATEST GADGET
Tom possesses Verizon's latest and most intricate phone to date.  It is the VERZ766 Integrated Telephone with MP5 capabilities.   With this phone Tom can "do an interview" with the Mayor of San Marcos and at the same time Text Message his wife that he's eating lunch at the Jack-In-The-Box at that very moment and with the push of one key can view a picture-in-picture of the Jets/Lions game.  With all this going on at one time he can press 7# which immediately sends a message to Max at headquarters that he's seated at his desk, in his office, working on tomorrows interview with Placido Schmidt about tamperproof stickers.  What a Phone!  At this time the phone is incapable of making local calls. 

ABOUT AMY
Amy Hecklearning is another interesting character here at the StickerNewz Studio. While an intern here at the studio she, using her printing know how, devised a way for sticker manufacturers to Customize and number their machines so that the print techs could track each machine and its output for any given time.

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Next time we're going to travel to Costa Rica and charter a boat to the center of the Bermuda Triangle.

okay thanks