In this visit it was our goal to let these fine members of a Nursing Community know that they were not alone or forgotten and try to discover what they accomplished in their long and illustrious lives.

 97 year old Matilda Epps spent her working years as a Printer in Bolivia, South America.  It turns out that Matilda invented the Seven Strip Process for Intercoaxial Printing.  This invention revolutionized the Galvanized Standard Perforation Method for Multi-Colored and Infra-Red Dual Sanitizing Stock.  I spoke to a former co-worker of Mrs. Epps;  a Senora Guadalupe Jimenez, now living in San Juan, Ohio.  Sra. Jimenez said, "Si, Matilda es muy of a genioso.  Yo amor el Stylado un unequaled en la Univeritas.  La Mohair revolutionito el printa standardo perforationa metada pero numersa colada y infra-rojo dos santizo cambria."  (Tom butts in)......."Hey John, What the hell's that lady talkin about?"

Sitting in a wheelchair in the corner of the activity center at Bob's was Matilda. As I approached her with the mike she calmly said, "AHHHHHHHHH!!!, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!..GET AWAY! HELP!, HELP!, HELP!, ASSISTIANO!, POR FAVOR!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!...HELP!"
That was pretty much the end of that interview.

Next, I went over to a card table where a well dressed young man of 102 sat throwing dominoes at his companion's left temple.  He wound-up and threw like a Bob Feller Fastball straight down the middle.  The companion didn't seem to even notice.  I reached and grabbed his arm just before he hurled a 94 mph slider...........
"Sir, may I ask you a couple questions?"
"Yes."
"Well, first of all what is your name?"
"Grover Edgarballs."
"Edgarballs, Edgarballs, that sort of rings a bell"
"My dad was a bellringer during the Civil War in Pensacola, Rhode Island."
"Yeah, that's not exactly what I meant.  It's just that......oh, forget it.........Can I call you Grover?"
"Can I call you Maltida?"
"Okay then, Grover, I heard that you're 102 years of age."
"So?"
"Yeah, well, anyways, just what did you do in your career years before retiring?"
"I was in Printing.  Have you ever heard of the Bi-Schematic Two-Tone Equalizer?"
"Of course I have Grover."
"Well, I invented that."
"Holy Cow!...are you serious?........that mechanism totally streamlined the Quantum Print Oxidization Process."
"No shit Einstein."
"Yeah, right, ok, but what else did you contribute?"
"Ok Mildred, but remember I'm REAL OLD so my scientific Printing terminology might not exactly cut the mustard and my memory is fading."
"No problem Grover."
"Who's tellin this me or you?".
"Sorry."
"In the 1930's I discovered a way to Customize the Weatherproofing application by a prototype Printer known as the X17777765ASECTORX Kelometor Formatable Ink Reducer.  Then in August of 1946 I opened the Institute for Science and Printable Reformication Systems.  At the Institute we innovated a sure and concise method for Sequentially Numbering Articulate and resized Stock.  This format made the industry a viable resource for Immediate Telematized Advertising.  Using the Edgarballs Taradactile Dung Sticker as a pattern I perfected the Adhesive process for Polystyrene, Holographic,  and Clear Labels.  In 1959 Frank Peckmaniac and myself formulated the Auto Decal mechanism known as Endorphin Polytechtricks.  This countered the euphemistic understanding that it was only possible to produce one bumper sticker at a time.  Then, in the early 60's Frank and I invented what is known as the Pressure Sensitive Label.  At the beginning they were difficult to apply so Frank invented the Forensic Print Label Neorosystic Defabulator.  Problem solved!  In the final years of my career I perfected a Lamination formula as a protective coating,  the Vinyl Cut-out lettering device and the Oval Shaped Die. And right before they put me in this nut-house, I coined the phrase, 'Stick With Us, We're On A Roll!' "
"Wow Grover, that is all truly incredible!"
"Whatever."

My final guest was sitting on the floor counting his toes. 
"What's your name sir?
"Shemp Diesel."
"Shemp Diesel?.....Shemp Diesel.....that seems to ring a bell too."
"My brother was a bellringer with..."
"Forget it, Forget it. You seem to be quite a bit younger in relation to the other members here Mr. Diesel".
"Sure.  Did I hear you talking to an Edgarballs?
"Uh, yeah, right over there; a Grover Edgarballs."
"That's what I thought.....do me a favor Bud and lift me into that wheelchair and push me over there so I can kick his Ass."
"Why would you wanna do that Mr. Diesel?"
"Cause, years ago, some retard relative of his discovered the World's first Adhesive Sticker.  It's a long story and I don't want to get into it now but somehow I came into possession of this Sticker and a representative of an Art Museum in Maryland or somewhere gave me $18.00 for it and now it's worth about a Quarter Billion Bucks........Roll me over there!.......You got any brass knuckles or numb chucks... ........I'm gonna kill that dumbAss;  let me at him!.......I'm gonna"..........

Well, that concludes another interesting episode of the StickerNewz report. 

Next time I want to interview Pinkerton X. Loohoosha, a Russian man who can prove that he's distantly related to E.T.

 

okay thanks